He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
