she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
