No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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