just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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