also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
