Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
