I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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