Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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