i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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