you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
