I got chris browned last night
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
