My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
