how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
