How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
