Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
