I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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