You're a womanizer and a bitch.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Khloé Kardashian Finally Speaks Out About The Tristan Thompson Cheating Scandal
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
15 Porn Memes You’re Only Allowed To Laugh At If You’re Over 18
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you