I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
