i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
