The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
