kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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