so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
