I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
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you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
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If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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