So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize