i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
