Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
