M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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