This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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