I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
