Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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