nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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