i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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