I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
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just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
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