Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
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Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
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His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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