well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
