If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
