I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
