I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
This house was built for laser tag.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
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He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
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I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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