Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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