I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
