Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
