I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
