nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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