im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
