either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
This house was built for laser tag.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
