so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
