did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
