Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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