So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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