i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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