he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
