maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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