I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
