Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Blow job season was short but glorious.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
