My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
