Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I understand Curling. That high.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
