So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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