I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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