im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize