after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
