things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
