I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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