my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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